R/C Tank News

Sommer Revealed

by Vern Dernberger

Annapolis, Maryland - May 23, 2004:

After extensive investigation of the diabolical plans of the Maryland Attack Group to conquer, both economically and militarily, the R/C Tank Combat world, this reporter has uncovered startling information that could shake this fledgling hobby to its very core. Revealed here for the first time, hard evidence now shows that there is far more to the Tyng/Tri-Pact/Sommer story than could ever be imagined.

Battle Plans Revealed

During the routine surveillance of the activities of John Pittelli, the elder financial genius in charge of the vast Pittelli Brothers fortune, we watched him pass the following secret communication to the Maryland Attack Group headquarters:

Herr General:

A highly placed source in State College PA (head counter person Krispy Kreme) has infiltrated the Sommer (aka Kreme Puff Daddy) Group. After slipping a mickey (gummi worm) into his favorite filled donut, she was able to snap photos of their attack plan. The mobilization begins at the Altoona Kreme (see Map 1) where they will advance down the country lanes to route 83. At this point it looks as though they plan to encircle Baltimore by capturing the Beltway Kremes (see Map 2).

The Skunk works has a plan to defeat the Sommer Group. They have come up with a camoflage netting that we will deploy the night before they come south. Each of the Krispy Kreme's will now resemble Dunkin Donuts. At this point the Sommer Group will be totally baffled and extremely demoralized. That is when the trap will be sprung. The GOER, disguised as a Krispy Kreme delivery truck will drive across their path. They will follow the decoy into the crossfire of our ambush and will be totally painted to the max.

We hope this plan meets with your approval. If so we will begin the plans for the occupation of Ontario. It seems that the major Canadian hot bed of activity is in that province. That area would be easily accessible after we take NY state this fall. Google research shows that the annual Ontarian migration to Disneyworld begins approximately during the same time. We might be able to use this to our advantage.

		Oberst Johann

Based on this information, it would appear that the Pennsylvania Urban Fighting Force (PUFF) lead by Joe "Puff Daddy" Sommer has not only lost the element of surprise, but may also be heading into a fatal trap. When this reporter approached Dr. Sommer with this vital information, he only responded "Darn". Industry experts believe that Sommer was so shocked by the news that he clearly lost all confidence in PUFF and perhaps was considering retirement. That analysis, as it turns out, couldn't be more wrong.

Sommer's True Motivation

This reporter simply didn't buy the story that appeared to be unfolding, as well as the "secret communication" that was intercepted. How could an entire battle plan be based on Krispy Kreme locations? Why would Sommer pass by a Dunkin Donuts store? And how could anyone, especially an organization as powerful as the Maryland Attack Group, be afraid of the Canadian Tank Division? Clearly, something fishy was happening.

After some further investigation, the real story began to unfold. As previously reported, Sommer's Anvilus Plastic Works was known to be exchanging technical information with Tri-Pact at various times. However, this reporter has recently learned that Anvilus is actually supplying Tri-Pact with advanced speed and fire controllers. Although both sides refused to comment on the story, industry experts believe that such cooperation was inevitable, as both organizations strive to corner the lucrative controller market.

Unfortunately for both parties, such a "Weapons For Pastry" program is in clear violation of the UN's monopoly on supplying weapons and ammo to both sides in every sanctioned battle. Mike Blattau, spokesperson for the UN stated that "We will do everything in our power to ensure that the opposing forces continue to battle, instead of pursuing peaceful trade agreements, which is the sole right of the UN". In fact, the UN supply vehicle is currently being outfitted with a paintball cannon, which indicates that Blattau may be willing to back up his words with actions.

Representatives from Anvilus and MAG refused to comment on the story.

MAG Announces New Products

In an unrelated story, the Maryland Attack Group announced today that it will be marketing a new line of electronic controllers, known as the "Sommer Collection", which incorporate advanced electronics with cheap wooden relays invented by Tyng Laboratories. The new products will be sold primarily outside the U.S. through a chain of retail stores known as Tri-Mart starting in Canada this summer. A Tri-Mart spokesperson stated that "Canada is essentially a third-world R/C power, so we needed a line of really cheap products for their emerging military forces. The Sommer Collection fulfills that need well." MAG forces, as well as their allies, such as the Vegas Alliance, will be using more advanced controllers that will not be available through Tri-Mart. When asked to comment about recent stories regarding the spontaneous combustion of the Tyng wooden relays, Tri-Mart stated "That shouldn't be a problem when operating in the colder northern climates".

When asked how Tri-Mart plans to market the new products up north, the Tri-Mart spokesperson said that "We'll make them an offer they can't refuse."

Maryland Massacre??

How will all of these announcements affect the upcoming battle on June 12-13 which will be the largest R/C tank battle ever held? Only time will tell. If Anvilus has actually formed a lasting alliance with MAG, the battle could be little more than a demonstration of MAG's military and technological might. However, if the UN succeeds in fanning the flames of war once again to fill their coffers, then we could see paint flying in all directions in unprecedented quantities. And how will the emerging Virginian battlers fare?

This reporter will continue to monitor the situation as an embedded reporter and will report back whenever possible.