|Annapolis, Maryland - March 20, 2004:
As the result of increased threats from Pennsylvania and Virginia, the
Maryland Attack Group announced today that it is considering military
actions in the form of pre-emptive strikes to safeguard "The Land of
Pleasant Living". According to high-ranking officials within the
organization, the military actions are scheduled to proceed on or about
June 12-13, probably commencing on a battlefield near St. Charles,
Maryland. "We take all threats to our way of life seriously", one
official said who wished to remain anonymous, "and we will defend
ourselves using whatever means are available".
In reaction to the announcement, Dr. Sommer, who many believe is the
mastermind behind the plan to topple the Maryland Attack Group, stated
that "Marylanders have lived too long under the belief that they are
invincible and although I don't condone paintball violence, I think
that it would be justified in this case." Dr. Sommer also rejected the
notion that he would benefit financially from such an invasion as the
world's leading supplier of cheap (and we don't mean inexpensive)
plastic war machines.
This reporter has learned that the battle will probably commence in the
morning of June 12 and will proceed through the afternoon of June 13,
with at least 8 operational tanks, possibly a couple of armored cars,
at least 3 supply vehicles and probably 2 artillery pieces conducting
operations throughout the 2-day battle. The techni-color carnage that
will result from this conflagration will rival all previous paintball
wars combined. As one expert noted, this could make "Shock and Awe"
look like a kids game.
In addition to the large-scale paintball battles that will be waged, it
is widely believed that a large group of small-scale tank battlers will
be in attendance as well, providing static and demonstration displays
of their high-tech capabilities. As Keith Graybeal, leader of the
small-scale forces, noted "The battlefield is the best place for
battlers of all sizes to learn from each other. We watch, we learn,
As if the sheer size of the expected battles weren't enough to draw in
spectators, this reporter has learned that the event will probably be
taped for airing on the Cable-TV series "Inside R/C" which appears on
The Outdoor Channel. Although still a young hobby, clearly R/C Tank
Combat is becoming one of the media darlings and many Hollywood
insiders are already talking about follow-on projects, like "American
Tanks" on the Discovery Channel and "The Tyng Story - An Inventor's
Life" a PBS mini-series.
Although we attempted to get a comment from the 4th Tri-Pact Division,
the world's largest and best financed R/C Tank division, their leaders
declined the offer stating that they were too busy completing their
latest high-tech fighting vehicles. However, Will Montgomery, veteran
battler, did have this to say, "I don't care about TV camera crews,
high-tech demos, or keeping the fans happy ... I just want to destroy
everything that dares to come onto the battlefield". And that just
about sums up what we should expect to see on June 12-13.
Battlers and spectators from outside the Maryland area who would like
to attend should contact the Tyng/Tri-Pact Travel Information Board
(TYPTIB) for assistance with travel plans, including free overnight
lodging as needed.