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Maryland Massacre

by Vern Dernberger

Annapolis, Maryland - March 20, 2004:

As the result of increased threats from Pennsylvania and Virginia, the Maryland Attack Group announced today that it is considering military actions in the form of pre-emptive strikes to safeguard "The Land of Pleasant Living".  According to high-ranking officials within the organization, the military actions are scheduled to proceed on or about June 12-13, probably commencing on a battlefield near St. Charles, Maryland.  "We take all threats to our way of life seriously", one official said who wished to remain anonymous, "and we will defend ourselves using whatever means are available".

In reaction to the announcement, Dr. Sommer, who many believe is the mastermind behind the plan to topple the Maryland Attack Group, stated that "Marylanders have lived too long under the belief that they are invincible and although I don't condone paintball violence, I think that it would be justified in this case."  Dr. Sommer also rejected the notion that he would benefit financially from such an invasion as the world's leading supplier of cheap (and we don't mean inexpensive) plastic war machines.

This reporter has learned that the battle will probably commence in the morning of June 12 and will proceed through the afternoon of June 13, with at least 8 operational tanks, possibly a couple of armored cars, at least 3  supply vehicles and probably 2 artillery pieces conducting operations throughout the 2-day battle.  The techni-color carnage that will result from this conflagration will rival all previous paintball wars combined.  As one expert noted, this could make "Shock and Awe" look like a kids game.

In addition to the large-scale paintball battles that will be waged, it is widely believed that a large group of small-scale tank battlers will be in attendance as well, providing static and demonstration displays of their high-tech capabilities.  As Keith Graybeal, leader of the small-scale forces, noted "The battlefield is the best place for battlers of all sizes to learn from each other.   We watch, we learn, we conquer."

As if the sheer size of the expected battles weren't enough to draw in spectators, this reporter has learned that the event will probably be taped for airing on the Cable-TV series "Inside R/C" which appears on The Outdoor Channel.  Although still a young hobby, clearly R/C Tank Combat is becoming one of the media darlings and many Hollywood insiders are already talking about follow-on projects, like "American Tanks" on the Discovery Channel and "The Tyng Story - An Inventor's Life" a PBS mini-series.

Although we attempted to get a comment from the 4th Tri-Pact Division, the world's largest and best financed R/C Tank division,  their leaders declined the offer stating that they were too busy completing their latest high-tech fighting vehicles.  However, Will Montgomery, veteran battler, did have this to say, "I don't care about TV camera crews, high-tech demos, or keeping the fans happy ... I just want to destroy everything that dares to come onto the battlefield". And that just about sums up what we should expect to see on June 12-13.

Battlers and spectators from outside the Maryland area who would like to attend should contact the Tyng/Tri-Pact Travel Information Board (TYPTIB) for assistance with travel plans, including free overnight lodging as needed.