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Is The War Over?

by Vern Dernberger

St. Charles, Maryland - June 25, 2003:

In a surprise move today, advanced elements of the 4th Armored Tri-Pact Division launched a daring raid into the heart of the Tyng Regime's territory, days before the start of the war expected by many military experts. The 4th ATPD successfully located Steve Tyng's armored vehicle and destroyed it in a matter of minutes. It is not known at this time if Steve Tyng himself was in the vehicle, but Tri-Pact officials were cautiously optimistic off-the-record that the war may be over even before it begins. Details are still sketchy at this time, but here's the information as is currently known.

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While on a routine field test, the state-of-the-art Panzer IV, operated by John Pittelli (Severna Park, Maryland) was asked to investigate a possible target in its vicinity. Upon investigation, the Panzer IV reported that a mysterious vehicle was operating in the area, apparently using some sort of cloaking device to prevent it from being detected. Pittelli forwarded all sensor data to headquarters for further analysis and waited for instructions. (Many experts believe that the data was gathered and reviewed in real-time via the BattleStar Management System that is operated world-wide by the super-secret Tri-Pact Security Agency.)

After reviewing the sensor information, Tri-Pact analysts determined that the vehicle was indeed the Tyng vehicle, but they were concerned about the possible generation of toxic fumes, given the past history of toxic emissions produced by Tyng Regime personnel. Therefore, a special ground support vehicle was ordered into the area to check for emissions, while the Panzer IV provided cover.

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After a short analysis period, it was determined that the Tyng vehicle did not contain any WMD at that time and that the cloaking device posed no immediate threat to the troops in the area. Consequently, orders were given to move in Will Montgomery's mighty Panther to destroy the Tyng vehicle, which was accomplished in a matter of minutes. Investigations are currently underway by specialists from the Tri-Pact Institute of Technology to determine the specific type of cloaking device that was being used and to search for any signs of WMD that might have been missed during the initial investigation.

The quick and decisive victory represented by this engagement once again demonstrates the vast technical superiority enjoyed by Tri-Pact over the Tyng Regime. Although some people are skeptical that Steve Tyng himself was actually harmed in the engagement, even they admit that Tri-Pact's intelligence capability deserves much of the credit.

We asked Paul Pittelli, Director of the Tri-Pact BattleStar Management System, to comment on the operation and he had this to say, "We do this kind of stuff every day at the TSA, but today was extra special because everything worked exactly as expected". He continued to explain, "Early this morning we received a tip from a high-ranking member of the Tyng Regime, code-named Nittany Lion, who told us that Steve Tyng would be field-testing some new technology outside of St. Charles, Maryland. Through the BSMS we quickly vectored our forces in the area to the suspected location, while we monitored everything from headquarters. Once we had all the data we needed, we gave the orders for the vehicle to be destroyed and that was that". At that point, the interview was cut short because Pittelli didn't want to miss his carpool.

Naturally, we shouldn't forget to give credit to the front-line troops who put themselves in harm's way to get the job done. After returning from the battlefield, Will Montgomery had this to say about the Tyng Regime, "They're really just a bunch of paper tigers ... they have no depth and no real dimension to them. The shots fired from our high-tech guns went right through them without a problem". When asked if he had any regrets about going to war, Montgomery answered, "Sure, I regret that they didn't put up a stronger opposition so that we could really show how good we are", as he swaggered off to play some softball.

Only time will tell if this daring move was successful in ending the war before it began, but it clearly demonstrates that the Tyng Regime will have it's hands full if they ever do show up for battle against Tri-Pact.