Tri-Pact News Service
We Make The News
R/C Tank Combat
On The Runby Unfortunate Eric
From: email@example.com To: Ethel@thrashtheservants.org.uk Subject: (No Subject)
I am On the Run! I am e-mailing as I need to Conceal my Location.
After I wrote to you last, I met Nurse Nellie again. I said, "Hello Nurse Nellie!". She said, "Hello Eric my Dearest!". I was surprised by this approach as in my experience ladies are only Nice when they Want Something (except you, Auntie. And Mummy). Sadly this proved to be All Too True.
Nurse Nellie told me that her baby was My Baby and would be called Little Eric. She showed me a scan of the baby. I said it did not look like me but more like Action Man, because it had those elbows that bend a little but not enough to be any use, whereas I am like all our family- stiff Upper Lip, stiff Upper Limbs.
She said that it could not be Action Man's because he is impoverished, improvident and probably American. She said I would have to pay Lots of Money to look after the baby. I ran for it.
Nurse Nellie yelled after me that she would have the CSA on me. Are they like the RSCPA? The RSPCA are very tough- they once told Mummy off for kicking the corgis.
She also said that she will have my Nuts. This will make my legs fall off.
I do not think she is my friend any more.
Can you hide me?
Memorandum From: Child Support Agency, Belfast To: King's Own Regiment Subject: Unfortunate Eric Complainant: Nellie Uptheduff (State Registered Nurse)
CSA are seeking assistance with the location of Subject. Intercepted e- mails suggest Subject may be hiding in woodland in Surrey on the way to a relative in Dorset (we can tell a lot from an e-mail). All citizens are required to assist CSA operatives to locate Subject and cause maintenance payments to Complainant to commence.
Citizens are required to gather on 5-6 September to apprehend Subject. Location details to be advised. We know where you live.
A B'Stard . Commissar.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org To: rc tank combat Subject: HELP ME
Dear Tank Men
I am being chased by the Child Support People! They have found me hiding in a wood behind Charlie's garage. They have tanks and guns!
I am trying to get to Aunt Ethel's. Mummy says she cannot help because of Conflict of Interest. Help me Tank Men. You are my last hope!