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Jessup, MD - June 7-8, 2008
by Vern Dernberger
Representing an ultra-militant faction within the Green Coalition,
the Maryland Attack Group (MAG) has declared war on the Pennsylvania Urbane
Fighting Force (PUFF) for "crimes against the environment stemming from a
complete disregard for nature and the world we live in". Analysts expect
the first actions to take place on June 7th on a small farm in Jessup Maryland,
with continued actions extending until June 8th at the latest.
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"We don't like taking military action to protect the environment", said a spokesperson
for the Green Coalition, "but in this case we feel it is the only recourse". He went
on to say that, "The vast majority of large corporations that cater to PUFF's voracious
appetite for military weapons, such as Anvilus Plastic Works and Conn Enterprises,
consume far too much energy and produce toxic gases in great quantities". When asked if
he had scientific data to back up such allegations, he said that "we're currently
preparing that information for the scientific world to review, but it's taking a little
longer than expected using the 286-based computers that comply with the Kyoto Treaty".
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I caught up with Joe "PUFF Daddy" Sommer, the flamboyant leader of the Pennsylvanians under
assault, and asked him his views about the controversy. "Pennsylvania introduced the
world to the first drop of oil", he explained, "and we plan on using up the last drop
as well." Dr. Sommer made these statements while having his fleet of V8 SUVs power
washed next to a natural spring-fed creek which is the home of the endangered
grey-coated Nittany millipede.
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Doug "Rocket Man" Conn stated that, "We've read all the phony scientific papers,
but we just can't see how much of it makes sense. Clearly, MAG is just interested in
promoting their own technology and they're upset that our products are winning in the
marketplace. It's all about the money". When asked about the recent report that Conn's
Advanced Tank System consumed 1.37 Gigawatts of power, he answered quickly, "yeah sure,
what's the problem ... electrons don't like sitting around doing nothing, they want to work
to."
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To dig deeper into the controversy, I arranged a meeting with the head of MAG's
super-secret environmental organization "For The Children" at a nearby Denny's.
Dr. Von Huppel began with a tirade of accusations, "... they use 60 watt light bulbs, for
goodness sake, without even purchasing carbon credits ... these people are pure evil".
After he calmed down a little, he continued by stating that "First, there was the near
meltdown of Three-Mile Island in the last century. Now, we have evidence of a much
greater environmental disaster in the making". When asked for additional details, he stated
that "There's this place just outside of Red Lion, PA that we believe is responsible
for over half of the greenhouse gases causing global warming. We're not sure if the
source is industrial or human, we just know that gases are blatantly and silently released
on an almost continuous basis and they are toxic to everyone within 20 feet of the source."
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Sean "Build, Build, Build" Marlow, heir apparent to the powerful Marlow & Son land
development corporation, stated that "Pennsylvanians understand that wide-spread
development always leaves the land better than before and we'll stand with them in
defense of their way of life". When asked if his stand was purely for business reasons,
he stated that "heck no, we'll build strip-malls and shopping centers anywhere we can."
In response to questions about the new Zettelmeyer ZD 3000 "earth-saving" vehicle purchased
by rival Tri-Pact Waste Management company, Sean stated that "we're looking into the matter,
but have no comment at this time".
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Finally, I caught up with Paul "I'm Almost Retired" Pittelli, a member of the powerful
Pittelli Clan, who many
believe to the masterminds behind all MAG activities. Paul stated that "We really don't
get involved too much in the day-to-day decisions of our various subordinate, er, I mean
partner organizations."
He continued to state that, "But if we need to kick a little %#& to ensure that our
heirs can still control, er, I mean enjoy the environment then so be it. All MAG
military vehicles meet the California Zero-Emission-Vehicle standards, we use bio-degradable
ammunition and what the heck, even our money is GREEN", he shouted walking away with a big
smile on his face. At that point, the younger Pittelli boarded a private helicopter to
take him 1 mile to his private jet that would take him
to the Cayman Islands for a lunch appointment, then on to Monte Carlo for a quick visit
to the Casino.
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The conflict between Maryland and Pennsylvania has been brewing since the Mason-Dixon line
was originally drawn, but it now looks like energy conservation will be the battle-cry
that actually ignites what many believe will be a very colorful war.
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PS. This article is only published electronically and was composed using a 286-based
computer powered by an English Springer Spaniel on an electric generating treadmill chasing
a duck decoy on a naturally fallen stick made from naturally discarded feathers and a
recycled milk carton.
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