Tri-Pact News Service
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R/C Tank Combat
Fate of the British EmpireVern DernBerger
This reporter recently learned that a member of the British Royal
family, Princess Susie, is planning a surprise visit to Gettysburg,
Pennsylvania in the U.S. to meet with pensioners and school children
to discuss a wide range of issues. The meetings will reportedly be
held on September 28-29, 2013 at a undisclosed location for security
reasons. Meetings will be held at approx 10am and 2pm on both days.
After contacting members of the radical Pennsylvania Urban Fighting Force (PUFF) for a comment, this reporter learned that PUFF had not previously heard about the secret meeting, but they were now planning a mission to disrupt the activities. Evil Dr. Sommer, head of the notorious band of zealots, stated that "We're re-arranging our weekend schedule now to fit in a raid of the secret compound between our other social activities." Dr. Sommer, while enjoying tea and cakes, went on to thank this reporter for providing the valuable intelligence needed to plan the ambush. Doug "Rocket Man" Conn, a long-time PUFF activist said that they plan on wreaking havoc at the event. "We're bringing 293 gigawatts of computing power to the ambush".
Word of the ambush spread quickly as this reporter began contacting other organizations. The Maryland Attack Group (MAG), founded by Marty "The Legend" Hayes, has a long-standing treaty with most governments around the world to provide land and sea support for any conflict, any where. When informed about the impending ambush of the secret meeting, Hayes stated that "That's been on our schedule for months", although he seemed to be confusing it with other social activities. The 75 year-old continued to say that, "We're planning a nice cookout and a sleep-over so that everyone can truly enjoy the ambush." Other long-time MAG members, such as Will Montgomery and Steve Anders, didn't take news of the ambush so lightly, "we'll kick their @$$" was all they would say.
News of the ambush was treated more seriously when this reporter brought it to Tri-Pact, a private security force specializing in for-profit conflicts. "Our existing contracts with the British Government, the British Royal family, and Shell Oil Company will allow us to suppress the conflict using whatever means necessary", stated John Pittelli, Senior Vice President for British Affairs. Off the record, Pittelli told this reporter that the conflict will probably see the long-awaited debut of the Semovente armored vehicle that has been in secret development for almost a year. Combined with the Panzer II "Duo of Death", the Tri-Pact force will be fast and lethal. He went on to state that "We should have the problem mopped up by lunch-time, with plenty of time to surf in the afternoon (the "Flight of the Valkyries" could be heard playing in the background). When asked why the Shell Oil Company could be invoiced for the conflict, he just said "Fracking".
Similar interest in the ambush was displayed by the helpful sales staff at Field of Armor, a company focused on marketing R/C tank products. "We'll definitely make every effort to attend the ambush", stated Loic, owner and lead salesman, "providing military hardware to either side for a small fee." The price of FOA shares recently jumped up after they released news of their new line of armored vehicles featuring a suite of Tyng Tech (tm) products. When asked if the new technology would be used at the secret ambush of the secret compound, Steve Tyng, Founder, CEO, and Senior Product Architect stated "That decision will be made by the guys at FOA". He went on to say that "I'll be using the older technology in the Cromwell, operating as a free-lance agent for anyone willing to pay the price."
Just before press time, this reporter learned that the British Government is taking rumors of the ambush very seriously and have brought one of their double-O agents (0051) out of retirement to oversee security for Princess Susie. When asked for information about the agent, the spokesperson said "his name is Rochford ... Neil Rochford". A quick Google search revealed that Mr. Rochford (aka. Mr. Funky) is considered extremely dangerous by his fellow British combatants and is reportedly "licensed to paint with extreme prejudice". Experts, however, are divided on whether Rochford's skills will work well in the war-torn wilds of Pennsylvania against some of the most talented operators in the world. None other than Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, stated recently that "Britain can be ignored" when it comes to international conflicts. As such, Mr. Rochford's performance at the upcoming secret ambush will be watched anxiously by all British supporters, at home and around the world. It could be said that the reputation of Britain rests on Rochford's shoulders.
Vern DernBerger Senior Investigative Reporter Tri-Pact News Service "We Make The News"